07 - Pressure

I had a pretty hectic week.

While my friends are enjoying their post-graduation vacations, here I am scouting around for jobs.
See, I don't come from a particularly rich family and I need to earn my own money to support myself.
I have come to the point where I feel like I am old enough to NOT ask my parents for money.

But the thing is... I am totally the baby of the family. Being the youngest sibling, I get pampered and sheltered. A lot. Therefore, my little sensitive heart has been carefully taken care of all these years.

So I really felt like I was drowning in the 2.5meter pool of "ADULTHOOD" when I started scurrying around for jobs as soon as I felt ready to get one. And I was drowning in a 3meter pool when I started working earlier this week.... All because I really wanted an immediate job with money, I actually forgot my limits, capabilities and interests. I just wanted money. I just wanted to be secure, I just wanted to have a job to support myself. Little did I know, the intimidation of the working world is much akin to being forced into a life of perpetual terror.

Let's just start off with last week. I was going through pages after pages of job adverts, calling for temporary positions, thinking I will be able to secure SOME kind of permanent job in August. (tough luck, lynn)
I stumbled across a particular advert as a HR person. (No I will not disclose information about the company nor other details.) I applied for it, went through THREE freaking interviews and got the job.

However, when started work the following week (early this week), I was thinking to myself:
"what were they thinking, hiring a girl like me?"

First off, I felt like an awkward penguin sitting all by myself when I first entered the office. Everyone was minding their own business, talking in their mother tongue. I was just like.. oookay, I have no idea what anyone is talking about in their blabbering conversations. It was just a slur of "blablablas" making me zone out.
Then there was a meeting where temp kids are supposed to tell the big boss how they've done for the week, whether they have achieved targets and so on.. Some seem intimidating while others look pretty alright. It was then my turn for a self introduction and I was like... Okay, that went well.. (:

So yeah I was motivated to do my best for this job! That was probably the only euphoric peak I ever experienced for the entire duration of my working there.

Let's just say I was lost the entire time and my awkwardness and anxiety showed its ugly face again. I thought I really was quite capable of doing the job, as I did put in a lot of effort in keeping up, calling hundreds of people and trying to coordinate SOMETHING. But I just couldn't quite cut it.
After a few hours, I just thought to myself: What am i doing? Why am I here? 

It just doesn't make sense to me. Or maybe I just don't see the value of doing this job.
I mean I already felt ostracized when I realized I was the only malay and I couldn't speak their language.
I also felt a little scared to be obnoxious to my colleagues for asking too many questions and still be unclear of what I am actually supposed to do.
Yes they did give me some ideas on how to do the job, but the "training" was much too fast.
One minute you're being introduced to all the colleagues, the next minute, you are learning how to go to this portal and vaguely operate the interface.

Three days later, I finally snapped and told my colleague that I could not handle the pressure.
It was after work and I waited for her to finish talking to a client.

"Oh hey, you're still here! Once you're done, you can pack up and go home for the day(:"
"can I speak to you for a while?"

And I broke down.
Yes I cried and it was embarrassing.. It felt liberating though, knowing that I will not have to continue working there for the next few months. It felt like a heavy baggage had been lifted.

So here I am now, back to square one, trying to find something to do.
Tomorrow I will be heading to a community club to see if I would like to join as a student mentor. It is only a once-a-week thing it is probably only enough to cover my bus fares. Which means I need to do something else as well.


But yeah, even that position, I am cautious and apprehensive. I do not want to be in a career where I am miserable. I need to see where my interest lies. I have a plan though. I will need to do a lot of things before I can call myself capable.

1. I need to upgrade myself. Drawing? writing? photoshop? other design software? A particular language? I need to familiarize myself in the field that I am taught.

2. What do I REALLY like? Teaching? Kids? Books? Art?  I realized I am so much of an all-rounder, that I don't specialize in anything nor do I have a burning passion for ONE particular thing. I need to think about this.

I will probably provide tips on how to do well under pressure and how to find the right path to adulthood.
But as of now, I am still a lost puppy, trying to find my way in the darkness...

I hope sharing my experience can provide you with some life lessons, or maybe even a tiny insignificant lesson (but a lesson nonetheless!) Good luck to all of us and may we find the right path in our lives.

06- Failing

I had wanted to talk about anger management since last week, but I feel like I have more to pour out on this topic of failing at the moment with regards to how I am feeling today.

So there is this app called carousell that everyone is into at the moment.
I had downloaded this app way before my loved ones has because I discovered them on my own while I was looking through my University's emails and textbook forums.
So yeah... I had it before it was cool xD *hipster wannabe*

The first time I tried to sell an item on the app was my school textbooks. I only sold one... But it was rather exhilarating!


And then I suddenly acquired a skill for stitching things from felt. So I made felt sleep masks and felt card holders and it felt good when everyone (even strangers) liked them and thought they were cute.
I felt more and more confident being able to make my own handicraft items and sell them to my friends that I was able to sell a couple of card holders to a couple of strangers via carousell. It was great (:

Then I was clearing out my closet and thought hmm... Perhaps I should sell these clothes that don't fit me.. The clothes that sisters pass to me when THEY were clearing out their closets. In other words, HAND ME DOWNS..

So yes, I posted a ton of hand me downs on carousell...


And it was terrible. People kept asking me the same questions when I already posted the standard answer on my carousell profile.. People kept asking me for dimensions in inches and this and that..
In my mind I was like "gosh just buy it and don't ask so many questions-.-"

So today I managed to almost sell two of those hand me down items from carousell.. Keyword: ALMOST.

It was a disaster... I was foolish as I overestimated the quality and condition of those items. And I guess I didn't know how to check them properly. Usually, I personally don't care about the quality of my clothes. Ripped, torn, stained, cut... I thought torn clothes added PERSONALITY :3
But that's just my opinion..

I went all way to almost the central area to pass a bag to a buyer (let's call her buyer #1). It was really far if I were to have gone myself (Luckily my dad was free so he sent me there.. He's such a nice dad <3 ) And it was really a hassle to get there..
Made the deal and yadda yadda... I even asked her to check infront of me and she was cool with the item. So phew..

Got on the train to another place to meet another buyer and guess who texted. Yes it was buyer #1. She suddenly told me the item as defective.. and took a video to show me.. AHHH GREAT... What do I do now? I can't go back as I was already halfway to another place. I told her she could just fix it herself and what not. I literally didn't know what else to do. I had no idea if I was calm or not. I felt that I was.. I wasn't panicking nor was I anxious. I just felt really stupid for not realizing the item was defective. (It was a gift from my sister that I never used... So naturally I assumed there was nothing wrong with it since it was new. How very wrong I was)

I had to tell someone to pour out how I feel. In Malay terms it is called "mengadu". If you translate that word into English it means "complain". But the term "mengadu" is more than to complain. It is to let out one's feelings with hopes for sympathetic comprehension. It has an affectionate tone to it. Kind of like a cat with big circle eyes, giving snuggles and tiny meows for want of attention. Or a puppy dog with puppy dog eyes, whimpering.. I felt that I had to mengadu to dear boyfriend since I tell him everything.

Big mistake. My text came off as full of anxiety, panic and of much insignificance. I sounded like I was a helpless baby drowning in a tiny puddle. It didn't come out the way I wanted to. It didn't sound like what he wanted to hear from me. The first misunderstanding since quite a while (few weeks I suppose) because the tone of my text sounded off...

But yes, I learnt my lesson and dealt with it calmly.
Thankfully, everything was resolved and we managed to get over the petty argument and apologize to each other. I think it's healthy that we have been able to resolve our conflicts maturely and properly instead of ending up in tears and swollen eyes. Yes, I feel that this was a step towards success in our relationship after multiple times of failing to learn from my mistake and crying over the failure. I think this time we both did something right to avoid a small petty issue from blowing up into a big feud. I think we both managed to learn our lessons and deal with the problem calmly. I think I did a good job in staying silent and subservient at the right time and speaking up to apologize at the right time. And I think he did a good job in staying cool and accepting what I had to say.
It ended up very well and we ended our night very well.. Thank God (:

As for buyer #1.. Bf did tell me a piece of advice which I didn't think of.. Which was a refund. And yeah, I gave #1 half a refund and everything was cool in the end. (Although I did feel really tired from all the traveling around and the hassle of having to deal here and there)
And buyer #2 bailed because she wanted to meet at a much later time and then I told her about the quality of this hand me down shorts (a tiny small stain) and she was like 'okay thanks for informing me (: ' and cancelled the deal..

So yeah... My carousell deals today were a complete failure.. I only gained $2 from all that hassle.. Which was not even enough to send me home.. hahaha..

But despite the failure, I feel that it is okay.
It's okay to fail and it's okay to have gone through one day of toughness.
It brings about an increased sense of experience and it provides with with wisdom and practical information for the future.

I have a plan though.
I plan to quickly let go of all these hand me downs.. Low price.. maybe even by mail since meet-ups are sooooo tiring..
And focus on my handicraft because I realized that selling my handicrafts was that one thing that made me happy.
It was not the act of selling things to gain profit that made me happy.
It was seeing their excited reactions to my handicraft works that made me happy.
It was sewing cute things and getting inspired by art that made me happy.
So I am not going to give up.

These hand me downs that I am selling on carousell... If people want to buy them, I will make sure the quality is alright. By the end of May,I shall just clear out these hand me down items and start slowly selling my handicraft items if I can. If I get any profit from the hand me down sales, I shall just use the money as savings for the handicraft.

Yes, I have failed today.
But I have failed to be happy the first time I started this blog.
I have failed on quite a number of things in my life.

But fear of failure, or passive aggressive attitude towards failure is not the way.

It would be in my very nature to simply say
"Ahh... I suck.. Might as well just pack my bag and leave" .. Yes I have done that many times. My first job, my first tryout for a TV show, my first horrible failing grade, my first relationship..

But I don't want to walk away from that apprehension towards failure anymore. I always read about how successful people fail many times before succeeding. I want to be like that. I want to climb up there.

It's okay to fail. Just get back up again..
But that's not all.....

Chances are, you might not go anywhere if you fall, get back up just to fall again because you did the same exact mistake that caused you to fall. Maybe if you're lucky or tough and persistent, you'd get over that and win. But let's be smarter..

Get back up again but with a different tactic this time. Learn from the mistake and try again another way.
Fail again.. It's okay.. Try a different angle this time. Besides, that's how scientists discover theories and inventions anyway, right? (:
Let's be scientists then!

*exam week*

Will get back on track soon :)

05- How to chase depression away

Today, I had a friend asking me if i had ever been depressed.
"I mean like it's beyond breaking down"

And that really made me think.
Have I really been so depressed that I went BEYOND breaking down?

For the past few months I had been feeling down here and there, crying till my eyes swelled and feeling miserable for a few days. But I had never gone Beyond that point. I realized that at the end of the day, I would start to pick myself back up again and look in the mirror and tell myself that I am indeed strong.

I used to think that I am depressed and weak. I am alone and no one would understand how I feel because I just don't how to make the words come out without blubbering like a whale. It's just that.. It's just.. blurgh.. bugh.. *sobs!* burghh...!!

But I am strong. I am able to pick myself up and see a direction in life. I know that I have great things to achieve and that I can always choose to occupy myself with great productive things (although actually doing productive things depends on my mood because I'm a lazy bun-bun. Haha)

So being the strong person I believe I am, I decided to give some advice to that friend of mine and luckily for me, I managed to make that person feel a little better despite going through some rocky roads. So here are some polished up modifications with regards to my ideas on how to chase those blues away!


1. Have a direction in life.

Ask yourself this: What do I want to be in the future? What are some great things that I want to accomplish that I can start slowly with? Don't go crazy mode on this and start with "I WANT TO BE A FAMOUS ROCKSTAR". That kind of thing is near impossible to achieve (unless you are absolutely persistent and you believe in your rockstar capabilities, then be my guest! )
Start with something simple like: I want to learn some video editing or some photography skills. That would totally look good on a resume.
Or something like: I want to learn latte art so I can make coffee in the shape of a peacock to impress my boyfriend.
Or maybe even: I want to draw something everyday to improve my skills slowly.
Tangible attainable things like these would definitely keep your head occupied with motivating activities that will make you excited to experience a new day of learning.

If you haven't seen the move rock star, I highly recommend that you do (:

2. Do what makes you happy

I know this totally sounds cliche but it's true. The things that are of interest to you will be constant reminders of what makes you happy and what defines YOU. Once again, don't be all crazy and start breaking the laws as an excuse to happiness. One does not have to rebel to be happy.
Take up a hobby like video games and guitar playing or hardware hacking. Find some cool things to be interested in and go for it! Don't be afraid of being judged. Maybe your friends would think that you are a total nerd because you enjoy going to museums to check out art exhibitions. Well.. shame on them for being judgmental! There are always communities and opportunities for you to nurture your interests and hobbies and you are never alone. Don't feel like the odd one out when you want to do things. There is always someone out there who does have the same hobby as you!

3. Give

This is one thing that always makes me happy when I feel down. Someone just came up to you asking for a stick of cigarette. GIVE. You see an old lady selling tissue paper near the MRT. GIVE. A frail old grandma genuinely looks like she needs to sit down in the train or bus (walking stick and all). GIVE. A bunch of students are standing on the sidewalks with a tin can asking for Red Cross donations. GIVE.
Heck, you don't even have to wait for such opportunities to arrive. You can even actively do it on your own. I donated two huge bags of stuff to the Salvation Army during New Year's Eve, after a really sad day I had experienced. And it really liberated me a little, giving me a sense that some burden had been lifted or something. It does make me feel better that someone out there somewhere will receive my bundle of love and appreciate it. Someone out there will have some nice clothes to wear thanks to me. Or that they will have a nice meal thanks to  me. If you are a "Sims" character and you have a meter that shows level of social compassion, level of depression, level of happiness, that social compassion meter and happiness meter will rise dramatically. And your depression meter will lower down even if it's a little. fo sho.

4. Company

This might be tough on some people who prefer to hide away in their rooms and lock themselves up, not wanting to talk to anyone. But once you find some company, things feel much lighter. It's great to have someone to talk to. To pout out and spill that baggage of emotions. However, do take into consideration to factor on privacy. Although it's tempting to just spill everything from A-Z, one should consider the feelings of others when one talks about others. You should not reveal nasty things about someone and bitch about them. That's not cool. Perhaps just rationalize your thoughts and think about what's really happening (unless that person is really a horrible person and beats you up or verbally abuses you, then yeah. take some action)
See, it's quite complicated because you don't want the negative energy to be leaked and spread across other people you come into contact to. (Like a toxic disease)
Company is great, but perhaps it would be best to keep the whale blubbering to a minimum and focus on getting yourself up and going.

5. Exercise 

I seriously cannot express how  much this helped. Refer to my previous post about endorphins to get a sense on how much I'm addicted to jogging. XD



I only have these suggestions in mind as of now since these are from my humble experience. Perhaps if I find some inspiration, I could add more.

I hope this helps anyone out there.

04- Friends!

So this week will be the last week of college for me.
At least in terms of lectures.. (I still have an essay and finals to tackle!)


And I am already seeing people taking selfies with each others and capturing the moments before they graduate and move on with life.

It is indeed scary. To let go of something so familiar..
The rush of getting to lectures on time.
Sitting next to your close pals and distracting each other during lessons.
Having lunch at various places around campus and just talking about everything.

I'm no longer going to have the privilege to do any of that soon because I will move on to the real world. No longer sitting down passively and listening to theories and stories our professors enlighten us with. No longer just writing essays and regurgitating what is being told. No longer taking exams and worrying about grades.

No... There are bigger things in life than a great GPA or excellent co-curricular activities that would look good in testimonials. It's a bigger rat race now. The rat race of the working world is going to be bestowed upon me. The real world. The great outdoors..

I have been very much sheltered under the comforts of my family and home. It scares me to have to face adulthood on my own.


But looking at it in that perspective is wrong.


Because there are people out there with the same predicament as me. And they are my friends.
Some may be more lost than I am while others definitely are going places and shine bright with their killer personalities. Some have great networks while others will take a long time securing their dream jobs, much like I will..

But I have faith that I will have the comfort of great company in the future. Even though we may not be able to meet each other around campus anymore, it's the conscious effort of keeping touch with them that provides one with the key to great opportunities.

Because friends are networks, you will be able to find that doors may open and close with their help and guidance.

So make a friend! It's never too late! (:

03- Gratitude

 Our greatest glory is not in never falling, 

but in rising every time we fall.

Confucius

So I passed by the great Confucius during my jog around the park(:

In order to pick myself up from yesterday's painful experience, I decided to dry my eyes, get a glass of water and head out to the beautiful parks near my home for a good, good run. Before I headed out though, my ears were just tingling with negative energy early in the morning from my mother's bickering. Telling me about how ignorant and un-filial I am. About how I am not good enough. Telling me the same things I have heard since I was 18. I used to get affected by them and try very hard to please her. But it ends up back to square one when she decides to take out her anger on me. I guess everyone has these AnA monsters in them at some point.

Thus, I decided to just let it slip my ear drums and let go of the negative things she has been feeding me over the years. I will just put on a straight face and not let her words affect me and I will not let my monster get in my way. So I went out and ran.

I ran along a canal, through a park connector, to Jurong Lake Park and finally ended up at the magnificent Chinese Garden, where I decided to take a leisurely stroll instead. And man was it GOOD. It feels great to release my endorphins and just feel happy naturally! I took about an hour and went home feeling grateful that I live within the vicinity of such beautiful natural flora and fauna (I usually see pretty birds and huge lizards around here). I'm grateful to have the health and energy to be able to run and exercise. I'm grateful to have this alone time for myself and feel calm.

I'm grateful for endorphins! With high endorphin levels, we feel less pain and fewer negative effects of stress. Endorphins have been suggested as modulators of the so-called "runner's high" that athletes achieve with prolonged exercise.

So yes, guys. When you feel depressed, go out there and run! Run fast, jog slow.. Run on a treadmill or be one with nature like how I do it. It really does take your mind away from the grudges or negative emotions from the day before.

Maybe other forms of activities besides running could be yoga? You know what, let me make a list of activities to do to feel better after a particularly stressful day!



1. Jogging! This is my favorite because it really makes you feel physically healthier, and kind of makes me mentally feel like the negative toxins are released!

2. Yoga. I'm no expert at this but if you are willing to learn, I'm sure it would be a fruitful way to focus your mind on your muscle stretching tasks!

3. Pilates. Similar to yoga! But it looks more vigorous to me.

4. Zumba! or any type of dancing for that matter. I'm not sure if zumba is still the trend among ladies in the 30s and 40s but it really looks like a fun way to work out!

5. End it off with a good Guided Meditation coupled with aroma therapy. I recommend guided meditations from "TheHonestGuys" from YouTube. The narrator's voice is really soothing in my view and it drifts me off to a calm state of mind. I would even drift off to sleep!


So that is my list of things to do to release some good energy and keep your mind away from past bitterness!


Continuing on with my day,
He and I made up after being able to cool down for the night and we made plans for dinner and ice-cream. Thankfully, everything went smoothly and we enjoyed the rest of our night together before I had to go to school and he has to go to work the next day. He even surprised me by telling me that he bought a pair of new running shoes for me! (He knows that the rubber parts at the soles of my shoes were falling apart)
It was really heartwarming to have a good 'date' and a cute surprise after our mishap. It really made me feel loved and that is of course another thing I am grateful of! To have him in my life to make things better and make me smile despite the hurt was great enough for me to know he is the one I will treasure.

So I am grateful for a lot of things today and I have learnt from Confucius (whom I passed by during my stroll around Chinese Garden!) that it's okay to fall. It's okay if things are rough and rocky in the beginning. Just don't give up and keep getting back up and things will be better. (:

02- Suicide

I have set a new rule: I plan to write one post each day (or every other day at least). Why?
Because my fingers are itching to write and pour out my feelings. So far.. Progress has been bad.

Today, AnA the monster had taken upon herself to show up and blurt out nasty pent up feelings to someone. It made him angry and things got pretty ugly. We had our second half of the day ruined when the first half was going perfectly alright.

AnA was self-centred, annoying and bitchy. She thought about her feelings without thinking about how it would hurt the feelings of another. She was erratic, spontaneous and dim-witted. Eager to say her point out loud and insist it was right. I regretted letting her take the lead and caused a domino effect of painful consequences.

Illustration of what ANA looks like in my mind. 

...
And there I was... crying like a baby for four straight hours. (my eyes are still sore)

Things just get out of hand in the end and everything just felt like an Indonesian soap opera with tears and walk-aways..






I know it sounds like a horribly bad start towards a happy peaceful journey..
I know it sounds like the end of the road for me...

But contrary to popular belief..

break-ups, bad arguments, painful mistakes  will NOT BE THE END OF THE WORLD

I used to think that way, though..
Every break up I went through, every bitter fight with mom or dad, every epic argument..
It used to make me feel so depressed that I wanted to just end my life.
"Cut my wrist as black my eyes" as Hawthorne Heights says it..
I tried it all. Slit wrist (got scars to prove em). popped pills. Starved myself. Tried to stay awake (the last one was the most epic fail.. I can never stay up late!)
I almost died to be honest. The monster in my head told me there was no reason for me to continue if I had been such a useless mess-up.



but for some reason, I Lived.
I lived on and saw the world and realized that things really do get better.
I realized that there are things that invisible beings up there do that we don't understand that eventually work for us. Life is just an endless roller coaster and no matter how low it takes you, the cabin WILL go up again.
It's hard.. very hard.. to pick yourself up and move on. But it would definitely be a better decision than suicide.

So during that moment of grief in the evening as I watched him walk away and take the cab..
I had to stagger myself to the stoplight and cross the road to my house. Huge buses were right in front of me. Some of them were seriously fast.

AnA got me to picture how it would be like if I were to quickly jump infront of one bus and imagine my limbs decapitating and a pool of my blood and splatters of them all over the road. It would have been an ugly sight.
But I eventually managed to shut AnA up and cross the stoplight safely. It felt good though.
When I got home, things cooled down with him and we managed to say what we feel properly (after all, I have always been just a typer.. Not much of a talker, me)


It felt good to be bathing in hot water and looking at a pool of soap suds instead of a puddle of blood.
It felt good to insert a toothbrush in your mouth and brush away the pieces of meat stuck from your lunch this afternoon instead of inserting needles into the veins of your wrist and gas masks on your mouth.
It felt good the hear the baby noises my nephew makes at home instead of hearing the sirens of the ambulance.
It felt good to hear myself cry... Instead of hearing your loved ones cry..


So this is it. My journey towards happiness is a rough one. Definitely was not a great start I intended for it to be. But I did learn a couple of lessons.
Be sure of what's the right thing to do and say. It's hard, for any human being to be great at this but I am willing to try.
And I know I will never do anything to hurt or disappoint my family. My family is forever. They are the most important things to me and it will always be that way.

and to anyone out there trying to hold on, Never let suicide by the answer no matter how tempting it gets.

01- It Starts Now

Today, I have made a massive life realization. 

I have been a walking time bomb. A one-man angry mob. A tiny jalapeno nobody thought would be spicy but when you pop that innocent-looking jalapeno in your mouth, you suddenly acquire dragon breath. You get the drift. I have just been angry.. Angry at the world, angry at the people around me. Angry at myself. 

And it has been limiting me from my potential to grow. I know it has.
I miss out on a lot of things because I proclaim myself to be anti-social. I tell myself that I am too negative to be around with. I blame a lot of things on my anxiety and depression. My lack of interest in joining any school activities. My lack of interest in having lunch with people. My lack of interest in sitting next to anyone in class. And I blame myself for being so small and afraid. I have been afraid for far too long.. I have been repressed for far too long. I have been ANGRY for far too long. 

But it has to stop. 

I don't want to go on living my life in fear. And I certainly don't want to go on picking a fight with the entire world. I used to think it was me against the world:
Lynn the teenage rebel. The fighter. The anarchist who would gladly show a scowl or two to random strangers who would step on my toes (sometimes literally!) I may have by anxieties but when my rage rages on, I would gladly speak my mind. 

As my taste in music grew more intense and angry as I grew older, my negativity grew more intense as well.  
I would sing along to the emotional lyrics of Good Charlotte when I was 10 years old. "cause I'm young and I'm hopeless!! I'm lost and I know this! I'm going no where fast that's what they said!!" I used to be the goth/emo girl.

And I would jam the songs of Arch Enemy at the age of 20.  Those words full of strength and character. I used to be called the metal chick.

We walk this earth
With fire in our hands
Eye for an eye
We are nemesis

We are with you
Countless vicious souls
Fight, fighting for freedom
United, we stand, we stand

We are a legion
Voice of anarchy
This is revolution
Creating new disorder 

(nemesis: Arch Enemy)

But I'm 22 now and things have changed. I am no longer in a metal band, nor do I aspire to be in one anytime soon. I have a loving boyfriend whom I have been with for over a year. (and been friends with for over 3 years) I have a great family who loves me no matter what. I am going to finish college soon and I'm going to start a new life with a new career. 

I can no longer be the angry teenage rebel screaming about anarchy and fire. I cannot be angry at the world. I cannot be negative and show my vulnerability. 

It's a difficult feat because ALL my life I have been living a silent angst in my heart. The toxic combination of both anger and anxiety.(I shall call it "AnA" if I ever have to use this term again) 

For the sake of my elderly parents and my boyfriend.. I have to mellow down and take it easy. I need to learn anger management and I need to cope with my anxiety. For the betterment of my future, I need to be confident and sociable. I need to grow. 

Which is why I am documenting my journey towards happiness. 

I will not procrastinate because it starts now. I cannot decide upon it tomorrow and assume my negativity will wash away overnight. "AnA" had been a monster dwelling in my heart for the longest time ever. It's time I tame the AnA monster inside me and treat it well. This negativity monster has really been affecting my relationship, causing a lot of misunderstandings and arguments. I can no longer bear to let this monster affect me and my loved ones any longer. Which is why I need change.

And it starts. Now.

I hope this will be a fruitful journey full of learning experiences and advice which I can share with the world and even show my kids when I'm older. 

So what's going to happen is that I will devote one day of the week (preferably Saturday) towards a new topic that will be able to deal with negative vibes and encourage positive vibes in. The purpose of the blog is to let in the good and shoo out the bad by talking about first hand experiences and providing epiphanies towards positivity in  my everyday life. 

So my epiphany for today would be to start now. If you want something to be done and for it to be done right, START NOW. Attempt it yourself and don't hesitate. It may seem scary and uncertain but it's absolutely exhilarating when you just "go for it". 

So yes. 
May this be a start of a beautiful journey.