09 Soulmate

I found my soulmate at a gig, of all places.

He was a face among the crowd, but somehow he stood out. He was different. Unique. He wasn't like the others. He was talented yet reserved. He was good without even trying.

A silly bump led me to cross paths with him. God has the most intriguing way to lead me to my fate.

I was smitten. And for some weird twisted reason, he was too.

He found a soulmate in me, of all people.

Casual conversations felt like playing hide and seek. But somehow I told myself what could ever go wrong. I would not fall in love. I had no time for heartache.

But being around him made me feel a sense of euphoria I had never felt before. In an altered state of mind, I would gaze into his brown eyes as he talks about how Jimi died of his own vomit. In a whirlwind daze from the clouds, I would stare into space, watching how the plants move. My head was in the clouds, as I told myself not to fall in love as I had no time for heartache. I was scared of getting hurt.

But he didn't hurt me. He never was able to hurt me. He treated me in a way he had treated no one else before. He didn't know he was capable of being so perfect in someone's eyes. But he was.

He chose me, of all girls.

He would make me mixtapes, and keep me company all through the night. And I would listen to them over and over. I would close my eyes in the dark, listening to bowie and feeling like I had no other care in the world except for the songs and how they made me feel. I would close my eyes and feel infinite. Like the whole universe was in my eyes.

We had no care in the world. Our youth spent killing ourselves with booze and cigarettes and good music. Roaming in the night, stargazing and marvelling at the black sky peppered with sparkles. Having no care in the world. No responsibilities, no commitments. It was just us, having each other. We were rebellious but we knew how to take care of ourselves. And for that, it was the best time of our lives.

It was crazy how infatuated I was. His chiseled jawline, his sharp nose from the side. I would just sit quietly and listen as he goes on and on about everything he had in his mind. I would just listen and be captivated. It felt as if nothing in this world could pull me away from him. And when he was sick, I brought him to a doctor and did all I can to make him better.

Then, we had a bit of school and work here and there. Things got harder because we had less time with each other. I remembered when he hurt his hand, and my fleeting mind thought to make him feel better but it didn't work. It was something so insignificant but it was the first time my heart broke. And I didn't know my heart could hurt that much. I ran away to cry.

Little by little, my heart shattered. Hard. The intensity of my euphoria matched the intensity of my grief. But love gave me that strength to pick myself up again and mend the pieces. I couldn't let go.

We went deeper and deeper. Exposing all our vulnerabilities, every single bit of it. Too deep to ever come back out as a whole. Happiness and pain. Sadness and joy. Milestone after milestone, year after year. We held on.

Somewhere along the way, we got tied by the ankles with heavy shackles. Our youth was gone and responsibilities have caught up with us. Living the mundane life as all we had to think about was work and money and a way to sustain ourselves. That childish flame in us still lives on, but it is eclipsed by the very thing we thought would never get the better of us. We all change over time. We have no choice. And adapting to change is normal. But is reminiscing about what once was normal too? Because aI am proud of who you are and who you have become.

But I will always miss our adventures. Walking in the rain, our tiny camp, our marshmallows at the skate park. Listening to the waves crash on a lazy afternoon. I miss drinking avocado with chocolate, I miss the way you care for me when I was always sick and pale. I miss the food you would cook. I miss the nights I would smoke with you at the park, when we would braid each other's hair and watch movies I've never heard of. I miss making each other mixtapes and drawing on the covers. I miss wearing your flannel during cold nights. I miss discovering new bands and walking around aimlessly. I miss discovering you and our picnics at the hill. I miss the smell of your tshirt and seeing you in the grey pants you always wear. I miss the way you would smile and laugh nervously. I miss waking up in the morning and having breakfast with you. I miss lying on your lap while you draw paisleys and frogs. I miss the way you don't give a fuck about the world. I miss our deep conversations about society, drugs and life. I miss you.

I miss you a lot. Because without you, it feels like I have nothing.